Uncategorized


Oh June, you dramatic bastard. You have asserted yourself soundly in just two days.

June means salmon in southeast Alaska which starts with anxious prepping and waiting followed by furious working and money making (and some slapstick pratfalls).

When I turn the lead-weighted calendar page past May, I kick into an imbedded trick calendar that lasts until the end of September when real life begins again. (This is also when I stop wearing hats and hoodies every day.) But before I say goodbye to all things social and moderately intelligent, I want to remember a smattering of wonderful things such as…

IMG 3542

April snowflakes on salmon berries…

IMG 3496

And whiskers on sea lions…

IMG 3547edit

Veggie tortas from the taco truck…

IMG 3645

And creative house numbers…

IMG 3548

Wild greens that grow in my shipping crate raised beds

(These are a few things I like very much.)

IMG 3644

Forget-me-nots and cement flowers…

IMG 3693

And harbor sunsets…

IMG 3551

Views from my front stoop and slash and burning Spruce trees…

When the seiners set, when the tenders deliver, when I’m feeling sleep-deprived….I simply…

Okay okay. I will set the wine glass down and stop spinning around my bedroom like a drunken Julie Andrews in a quick-tied bed sheet skirt. But srsly – I dig all of these things very much. As for you, June, we’ll tangle again tomorrow.

In short but photo-fat format, I wanted to share my evening. I took a needed solitary paddle around my front (back?) yard after a long convoluted day. It worked perfectly, as did the fat glass of vino after.

IMG 3723

IMG 3724

Volcano!

IMG 3728

IMG 3729

What is this, a Russian bath house?

IMG 3732

IMG 3731

Shipwreck!

I even saw a couple whale spouts while I was out. What an amazing place. Have I convinced you to visit me yet?

*So it’s not exactly paint on pavement, it’s a big, blue watery road, but the U.S. D.O.T. designated the Alaska Marine Highway a National Scenic Byway, so it counts.

IMG 3393

M/V Fairweather

I f’ing love the ferry! It is the poor man’s cruise ship and my favorite method of travel. You can sit where you want, change seats, enjoy your ample leg room, walk around, drink a beer in the ferry bar, watch a movie in the theater, type, read, shower, camp in the solarium (for no extra charge), bring your car and all of this on a big ship traveling the stunning Inside Passage, the same route the Alaska cruise ships take. Perhaps if I keep going, the AK D.O.T. will sponsor me with a free season pass. Hmmmm?

IMG 3659

Also the same route the cargo barges take

Last weekend, a couple friends and coworkers had Fish & Game reporting training in Juneau and invited me to tag along and share their hotel room. A cool $90 round trip for my ferry ticket, and I was set for transportation and lodging. Thanks, friends!

IMG 3692

Route starting at bottom middle and following the red track

Busting upward of 30 knots, the the M/V Fairweather (known as the fast ferry) makes the trip to Juneau in 5.5 hours instead of the normal 9 to 16. Given the route, this is ballsy. From Sitka on the open Pacific, the route to Juneau first goes north through the ripping tides of the Narrows of Olga and Neva Straits. I would crap my fine Swedish rain pants if I had to take any boat through there. A hard starboard swing at Salisbury Sound puts you in Peril Strait which is oh-so-slightly-less narrow. After a good long creep through the beauty and a serious 90 degree port side turn, you have made it to Chatham Strait which is an ass-hauling freeway in comparison. Once you see the lighthouse at Point Retreat on the north tip of Admiralty Island, you’re basically in Juneau! But enough nerding out on cartography, here’s a bulleted list of things I can do in Juneau that I can’t do in Sitka:

~Rip apart some red curry halibut at Chan’s Thai Kitchen (11806 Glacier Highway). Conveniently located near the ferry terminal in Auke Bay, we beelined here for dinner.

~Admire the view from room 511 in the Prospector Hotel (375 Whittier Street). Our room was fine, but I did find the two small dogs on the main lobby counter off-putting.

IMG 3666 Stitch

Poorly lit panorama

~Luxuriate in the arms of a bagel sandwich from Silverbow Bakery (120 2nd Street).

~Pray to the multitude of brew taps at The Hangar (2 Marine Way). In an old airplane hangar on the wharf, the views of cruise ships and float planes are nice; the view of more beer on tap than in all of Sitka combined – spectacular.

~Purchase some shirts at Fred Meyer (8181 Glacier Highway). It’s a simple thing, but I haven’t found any place to buy plain v-neck t-shirts for a reasonable price in my town.

~Maintain my love affair with the Alaskan (167 South Franklin Street). I am madly passionate about the giant old Victorian carved wood bar. Built in 1913 and at times a speakeasy and a brothel, I can’t imagine a place that could make me much happier. I don’t, however, recommend the hotel rooms for cleanly or sober types.

~Stock up on used literature at Rainy Retreat Books (113 Seward Street).

~Drive to the Mendenhall Glacier and pick up some chunks of 200-year-old ice (8510 Mendenhall Loop Road). Then make a geology cocktail.

IMG 3670

There is a season; tern, tern, tern

IMG 3675

Nasty weather; pretty icebergs

IMG 3680

Mix with tequila, sour & lime for a Glacierita

~Save multitudes of grocery dollars at Costco (5225 Commercial Boulevard). That is unless you misjudge closing time on Saturday and miss your opportunity to buy perishables….perhaps because you were at the Alaskan Brewing Company.

~Enjoy a Alaskan Brewing Company Smoked Porter (5429 Shaune Drive). Just kidding – that beer tastes like sweat socks in a campfire, but I do love every other Alaskan beer. Here they give you multiple delicious brew samples until you forget all about your grocery shopping plans.

IMG 3681

Annie appreciates a fine Campsock Smoked Porter.

IMG 3682

Want

~Dance with a toothless local to techno mixes at the Rendezvous (184 South Franklin Street). To be fair, I can do this in Sitka but not to DJ-spun techno dance jamz. The first time I came here some years back, our bartender jumped up on the bar and danced for us to Gunther’s Tra La La song. It was early afternoon.

~Soak it all up with Pel’ Meni (2 Marine Way). At about 3 a.m., the bar-expelled population makes its way to this little Russian dumpling shop. You will burn your mouth, you will spill butter, sour cream and cock sauce on yourself and you will rejoice the next day if you have any leftovers with which to treat your hangover.

And that concludes our little jaunt to Juneautown. Despite very little sleep before the return ferry check-in at 7 a.m., I had a damn fine time. I slept off my hangover in a comfortable ferry recliner and finished my potato Pel’ Meni, concluding the weekend’s to-do checklist.

And as with all my writing:

IMG 3683

More info here (Surprisingly safe for work).

I am not exaggerating when I say Carlsbad Caverns is one of my absolute favorite places I have ever been. If you ever loved Indiana Jones or the Goonies (and I can’t imagine why you would be here reading if you didn’t), I’m 95% certain you would enjoy this place as much as I did.

IMG 2832

I am in an enormous cave!

IMG 2804

Can you guess who is more fired up about cave exploration?

There is something about walking around in a giant nature-made cavern 750 feet underground that made me want to grind my teeth into a fine powder of excitement. It’s so big, I couldn’t maintain any directional bearing (the paved walkways and lighting helped). It’s also impossible to photograph the size and scope, so I just walked around with my head cranked back and my mouth hanging open (watch out for guano).

IMG 2786

IMG 2822

Textured cave bits. I think Tim Burton designed the latter.

Adding to the wonderment, guano miner and cowboy, Jim White, discovered this place because of the zillions of bats flying out. The 19-year-old proceeded to explore around the absolute darkness with a kerosene lantern, a ball of string and a Mexican boy he called Pothead.

IMG 2836

Jim White’s hole complete with bat-viewing amphitheater (more commonly called the natural cave entrance).

I didn’t use the natural entrance and hike down as it was pushing last call at the caverns. Instead I took a surreal elevator ride down 750 feet. The elevator monitor guide pointed out that this is 1.5 times the height of the Washington Monument (which I remember seeming really, really uncomfortably high). Yes, for all who asked, there is some sort of underground concession stand, but no, it does not ruin the experience. You don’t really see it if you’re speedwalking to see everything before the lights go out (which would be terrifying). The lighting and pavement are not natural but without them, people would be walking all over the place wrecking everything…and not seeing anything in the complete and utter pitch blackness.

And it’s all worth it because along the way you see things like this:

IMG 2788

And this:

IMG 2793

Oh Nature. You really got me with that one.

As I found, an hour is not enough time to properly explore that place. Next time I come calling I will budget a full day, so I can walk down (rather than elevate), and I will bring a big ole nasty ass camera with lenses, so I can attempt proper pictures of its majesty.

Eventually I emerged at the top crust of the earth, squinty and delighted. I walked to the bat viewing area, but bats don’t like December’s chill, so they stay away until May or so.

IMG 2837

How else are they going to pay for those tiny desks and books?

I poked around the visitor center, bought Jim White’s story and admired their gutter water dispersion device.

IMG 2775

So cute I could just spit in it.

Too soon it was time to return to the town of Carlsbad to rest for the drive through far west Texas and up to Las Cruces. Though I think by now I have effectively expressed my passionate and borderline creepy affection for this tourist destination, lest there remain doubt, I leave you with this:

IMG 2839

Celestino Carnalla

Celestino Carnalla wasn’t born until 30 years after this lesson, but he does have a great hat.

I’m sure all y’all attentive ninjas know the backstory, but as Mexico’s ambassador to this general area around my desk, let me give you a 30 second history lesson about how Cinco de Mayo (5 de May) is NOT Mexico’s Independence Day.

Back in 1862, North America was going nuts. The U.S. was fighting itself in a big blowout civil war. Mexico had kicked Spain’s colonizing ass clean out but had racked up some war debts.

French frog debt collectors came storming in with the plan of just taking Mexico for France. In the march between the disembarking port of Vera Cruz and storming Mexico City, some badass Mexicans in Puebla hulked out with machetes and old-ass guns and smashed the fancy-weaponed French army though outnumbered two to one. I imagine their battle cry was something like, “I’ve got your interest payment right here!” with a lot of crotch grabbing, but that may be historical embellishment. Regardless, that was 5 May, 1862.

This apparently stopped France’s aid supplies from reaching the dirty Southern U.S. bastards who were fighting for their right to own humans, and we can all suppose this is the direct and only reason the Yankee Union North won. The North later sent soldiers and supplies of gratitude to help in Mexico’s Frog flogging.

Unfortunately the battle at Puebla only delayed the French in their takeover of Mexico. After all that independence fighting, they ended up a colony again with France’s pick of ruler, Habsburg Archduke Ferdinand Maximilian of Austria, who just sounds like a pompous ass. Five years later he was executed, and Mexico never had any trouble ever again. Well except maybe that revolution in 1910 and a few assassinations and drug cartels…

Curiously, Cinco de Mayo isn’t a huge deal in Mexico (mostly just in the town of Puebla). Here in God’s America, where we’ll take any excuse to get a margarita made in our mouth at Señor Tadpole’s, it’s a much bigger thing.

Well I think we’ve all learned something. If not, there are many web sites out there with more names and dates and less swearing. And if anyone needs me today, I absolutely will be drinking tequila in a sombrero. Salud!

Posada10

Thinco.

I don’t care much for gym exercise. If exercise and I (me, we?) are to get along, it needs to make itself entertaining and engaging like kayaking or sex.

That said, regular exercise does help one fit into a kayak and more easily find a sexual partner. Touche.

A friend set herself a minimal goal of moving around outside in an exercise-like fashion for 30 minutes per day for 30 days. Thirty minutes being pretty easy to fit in and not being correlated with any pounds or pants measurements dropped.

I liked her idea and felt energized to get active outside on a semi-official schedule. It’s interesting what happens when you set a small goal like that. I found in the last few days that once I’m already out walking/jogging/kayaking/nature sexing, I’m much more inclined to continue for a bit longer than one half hour. If I had initially told myself I was going to run about for an hour, however, I might never have made it outside.

This was the case this weekend when I tucked my phone into my hoodie pouch and ventured out. With a couple fresh NPR podcasts to listen to, I semi-consciously turned up the hiking trail right by my house. As a true lazy exerciser, I wanted as much benefit out of as little time as possible. I figured what better than walking up the side of Mt. Verstovia?

Wrapped up in my stories, the half hour went by quickly. I knew I wasn’t too far from the viewpoint, so I pressed on and ended up making a much longer, more intense hike than I planned. Despite my jelly legs on the way down, it felt good.

The moral: Set your goals low, kids, and you just might surprise yourself.

verstovia

I like this because it makes this trail look super extreme.

verstovia2

Sitka from the viewpoint. Success!


Throw their asses in the ocean. I hear they don’t care for salt (and that they don’t have asses – just fat, slimy little turd bodies).
It may sound harsh, but do you really want these creeping into the beds of your vulnerable young veggies, nibbling their delicate leaves?

Somewhere between Juarez, Mexico and Lubbock, Texas is the absolute coolest place I have ever seen in my life – Carlsbad Caverns (more about that tomorrow). Before or after one has seen these caverns, however, there is the matter of still being somewhere between Juarez and Lubbock.

IMG 2754

Meep. Meep. Non-ACME road runner.

Earlier I bid a speedy adieu to Roswell with no dropped kerchiefs or shed tears and rolled into Carlsbad, New Mexico. In a confusing move, the caverns are actually about an hour away from the town of the same name. I realized this only after meandering around the plants and animals of the Living Desert Zoo and Gardens State Park for two (very enjoyable) hours and almost missing last call at the caverns.

IMG 2772

Brazilian Old Man cactus in the warm and wonderful LDZ&G greenhouse

I’m not really into zoos. At all. Being December, there weren’t a whole lot of animals out and about, but I didn’t feel sad for the animals I did see (unlike at the Oregon Zoo in Portland). The cougars and Mexican grey wolves definitely could have used more space, but the prairie dogs and javelinas and most everybody else looked pretty content.

IMG 2759

This bat, though incredibly overgrown, seems happy, and that makes me happy.

They have animals and plants naturally found in the northern reaches of the Chihuahua Desert, thus minimizing needs for moronic things like Anchorage’s elephant treadmill.

IMG 2767

This sign says that while cute, cougars will bite your damn face off. It also says, “Cougars may mate in any season, when their blood-curdling screams may be heard…”

Unfortunately, snakes also are found in the Chihuahua Desert, and if there’s one thing I despise, it’s a snake carrying a syringe…Mostly I just hate the two equally, and in combination, I don’t even know what I’d do – probably pass out immediately.

IMG 2760

GET AWAY FROM THAT RATTLAH! TOO CLOSE! Just looking at this picture gives me spine chills and the jimmy legs.

IMG 2774

Perhaps if you stopped touching the spikes, you would stop pulling your hand back and saying, “Ow.”

So what I’m saying is, if you head to the caverns, you’re probably going to have a little time to fill in the town of Carlsbad. This place was a couple dollars and had adorable prairie dogs, well-groomed paths and a finger-painting bear cub – all things I require in my tourist destinations.

Growing plants seems a simple concept. You take some seeds, stick them in dirt and things start happening. For a long time, however, I was under the impression that plants were a chore to be avoided, like window washing and bathing.

In a frightening shift of all things familiar, last Friday I discovered that chores can be enjoyable if you follow this simple equation: Good friends + beer = happy sunshine work fun day. (Replace “good friends” with “handsome strangers” to apply equation to showers…)

IMG 3552

Shipping crates and fancy dirt.

IMG 3554

In each crate we put a layer of stabilizing big rocks, fill gravel, clay dirt and fancy potting dirt. Ashley descends the front yard in search of marine life, particularly octopus for supper.

IMG 3555

Foreground: A taller dirt box we assumed we placed on an ancient burial mound. Background: Szack and Kristaff – hobo day laborers.

IMG 3558

Ashley continues her hunting expedition.

IMG 3559

Ocean front veggie beds.

Meanwhile on the other side of the lawn, we worked on another project one might consider a shitty chore – woodworking. We saved some off-size shipping pallets that were marked for annihilation in the burn barrel at work. With some clever deconstruction and reconstruction and a $10/gallon of mistake paint from the hardware store, they became window boxes!

IMG 3561

Szack gently destroys a pallet.

IMG 3562

Not shitty! Fun!

Okay…there was one unfortunate choreish part. Being a whole contingent of supervisors, not one of us cares much for cleanup, and we made a fantastic mess.

IMG 3563

Ashley keeps laboring with Szack as Project Manager and Kristaff as Project Supervisor. I run away and snap photos.

Cleanup really wasn’t so bad. We put our heads down and powered through it with beer, music and friendship. Beer and teamwork were also key in our rock fish taco production line. Deep fried by Kristaff and served with my garlic aioli and Szack’s cabbage & cilantro slaw, we quickly shoveled them into our starving yard worker mouths. They were pretty sublime.

IMG 3565

Seriously good.

A post-dinner bonfire and trip to the bar completed a very productive and surprisingly enjoyable work day. Thank you, friends. Coming soon – my first ever veggie planting jamboree! I wonder if my landlords will accept one head of cabbage in lieu of 10% of my rent.

You start with some wrapping paper from Venice that’s also a sweet map.
Then you go outside and find some sticks and lash them together with string.
Finally you tack everything to the wall, drink a beer a feel very accomplished.

Photo instructions:

Aaaaaah.

Next Page »