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Time to dye the roots, cinch up the girdle, Botox the lips and generally give this fine bloggy broad a non-extreme makeover. Starboardport may get a little uglier before she’s perfect, but you have to break some eggs to make egg-salad sandwiches or something like that. As a very necessary description of my dedication, I reveal to you that yes – yes I am sitting in my underpants fairly early on a Friday night, typitty tapping away, cigarette dangling from my lips and feral cats swarming any open space on my lap. In the immortal words of The Gambler, Kenny Rogers, “you got to know when to hold ’em.” I assume he’s referring to feral cats.

Now that I have your attention: I give you my answers to the dirty little blog I posted earlier.

*Which life partner would you choose – your second grade teacher or your driver’s ed. instructor? Elaborate.

A difficult choice. Sweet and cute Mrs. Applegate vs. comb-overy Mr. Pentland. Sorry skirts, my vote’s with the courageous comb-over.

*What would you choose for your pseudonym?

None. Then I would have wasted all that time hyping up this Jessie M. Waddell name. I guess if I wanted to bring in some quick erotic literature bones without further sullying my reputation, I would choose Chesty Morgan.

*If you could drink only water and one other beverage (in its original packaging) for the rest of your life, which beverage would you choose?

Methinks any straight booze would get shuddery quick – even with a water chaser. Then it would be down to Pacifico vs. Diet Cherry Coke. Unfortunately for DCC, it has zero alcohol. !Pacifico!

*Do you find skeletons or ships more intriguing? Why?

Most intriguing – mummified skeletons wedged in an undersea shipwreck because of the obvious badassitude.

*You are offered one free plane ticket; what is your destination?

Micronesia.

*Beans or franks? Interpret.

Beans because, “how did you manage to get the beans above the frank?” Also beans include vast cousin categories like nuts and jelly beans, (It makes sense.) and they’re the magical fruit.

*On an average day, what are you doing at 3:27 p.m.?

I have no average days, but lately I am wondering why it’s completely dark outside.

*Which is a more enjoyable word – weenis or scrote?

This is a very difficult call. Weenis seems the obvious front runner, but don’t discount scrote or its root (scrotum) or derivative (scrotal). Though I don’t feel like explaining why, I was once dubbed “Ole Scrote-Ripper Waddell,” and that kind of nickname plucks at the heartstrings.

*Choose one item of clothing or accessory item you are currently wearing and provide the back story.

I don’t remember the story of these underoos, so it’s lucky I’m wearing a sweatshirt with them. I purchased the sweatshirt at the end of fishing season in Sitka. On the right chest, it has an embroidered fish skeleton and the words “Sitka * Alaska.” The bones look much like this:

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They were two-for-one priced, so I bought a matching one for my cousin who has a matching tattoo.

*Do you have iTunes? If so, open your Top 25 Most Played playlist. What artist/song is number 9? What’s so bitching about that tune?
If you don’t have iTunes, is your choice a form of corporate protest?

Number 9 is Portland, Oregon (With Jack White) by Loretta Lynn off the album Van Lear Rose. Bitching because, “…sloe gin fizz works mighty fast, when you drink it by the pitcher and not by the glass, uh-huh…” Find it somewhere.

*Bonsai is to Bronson Pinchot as flabbergast is to _________. Explain.

Freddie Mercury of course.

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